That Time I Was Afraid of a Chicken.
June 24, 2009 at 02:38 PMI'm afraid of a chicken.
My neighbors have chickens. Ocassionally one of them will wander into our yard. Our set-up is difficult to describe, but our house and the neighboring two houses sort of form a community yard, with shared front and back and side yards. It's really great and convivial; dogs and chickens and kids running around, lots of impromptu conversations just because we're all outside at the same time, free fresh-from-the-clucker eggs. There's privacy, too, but CLEARLY NOT ENOUGH, as I'm about to explain in this story of VIOLENCE and ASSAULT.
On Monday morning, as I walked down the path to the gate that lets me out onto the street, I noticed something moving out of the corner of my left eye, in the patch of grass against the house. Just as I was figuring out what I was looking at, the words left my mouth and I said out loud (to no one) "OH SHIT CHICKEN." I was instantly terrified for no good reason.
So Oh Shit Chicken gave me a reason.
As soon as I said "OH SHIT CHICKEN", the thing stopped dead in its tracks, cocked it's head to look at me with its bright, evil eye, and PUFFED UP ALL OF ITS SHINY BROWN FEATHERS. I swear to you, the thing doubled in size within the span of three seconds. I figured I could either show up to work with my face scratched off Freddy Krueger-style, or just exit through the driveway. I CONTINUED TALKING, out loud, to NO ONE, saying, "I'll just go out by the driveway."
But Oh Shit Chicken was not done with me.
On TUESDAY I left the house, started to approach the gate, and noticed Oh Shit Chicken on my RIGHT side, under the Japanese maple, pecking around and generally being sinister. I'm convinced that this chicken is a)evil and b)out to get me. At night, when everyone is asleep, it sets up a makeshift temple at one end of the hen house, pops in a Sepultura CD, and prays to the gods of Chickens That Want To Rip Your Face Off while spraying the blood of previous human conquests all over the ground.
So now Oh Shit Chicken is sitting there on my right. It stops pecking around and looks at me. I, now well versed in holding conversations with chickens, say aloud "Come on, chicken, really?"
As if to prove that it was not only out to get me, but totally capable of understanding me, Oh Shit Chicken cocked it's head to the side, started to puff up again, and said, "Bock."
One lonely "bock", as if to say, "YES. REALLY."
That's all I needed to hear. This chicken has now morphed into Gandalf and I, apparently, shall not pass.
Why do people call anyone that is afraid a "chicken", when clearly they are the most TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL CREATURES IN THE ANIMAL KINGDOM?
Reader Comments (6)
People who are afraid of, and speak to, chickens are commonly called crazy.
it does explain why you were taking a Lifetime Movie Shower, Meredith Baxter-Birney style, at the end of each day.
Put a bell on that menace.
It's time to make 'Chicken Francais'...I wonder where you could get a ripe bird...? LOL!
Oh, John, when I invited you and Betsy over for dinner I didn't tell you it was a "catch your own" theme?
Srsly? A mean chicken? Was it a rooster? Usually you only have to box the hens once and they fall into place. I have a little chicken that rides around on my shoulder. They are easily misunderstood as they have no eye brows with which to convery their emotions.
If this is a mean rooster, a broom handle will "train" him if you "gently" (beat) tap him with it.
Oh, it's a chicken. When they got the chicks, there was a rooster in the mix, but they quickly got rid of it because the husband complained about the 5am built-in alarm.
This is one mean chicken.