There's Something Stuck in EVERYONE'S Vagina
July 26, 2009 at 11:18 PMI have so, so very much to say about BlogHer '09. I think it's best to break it up into one or two posts.
It was so great to meet so many wonderful, talented women this weekend. After reading my keynote post, I heard more stories about more things being stuck in more vaginas than I ever thought possible. People approached me from all over the place, shouting out "Tampon!" or "Vagina girl!" The only thing odd about that is that I answered IMMEDIATELY. One person shouting out tampon! and I whirl around like, You rang?
Also, since a couple of people asked, I'm not at all afraid to put my hand in my vagina. I'm up there all the time, just elbow deep in my own vagina on a Tuesday afternoon, watching my stories. I found Jimmy Hoffa in there, and that big diamond Kate Winslet tossed into the ocean at the end of "Titanic". I've hosted lunch dates in my vagina, okay? But at the time I wrote that post, I was absolutely terrified, and thought I was dying. I was convinced that a tampon had disintegrated into tiny, murderous bits intent on killing me. I couldn't justify digging around in there because I didn't think I'd FIND anything, convinced that the force of Seth's dick had already jammed that tampon into my spleen (another organ I couldn't find with a map).
So here's my portion of the community keynote. Thanks to WeBlogTheWorld for posting it, and big ups to anyone brave enough to shout out "Tampons!" in the middle of downtown Chicago. Here's a link to the posts from all Community Keynote readers (fantastic group, and I'm totally shocked to be included).
Reader Comments (36)
This is somehow even funnier with you reading it behind a huge Sheraton Chicago sign, and I distinctly remember thinking I would cough up my spleen from laughing so hard when I first read the post.
Congratulations on bringing the whole house down in the Windy City! That just has to be the most fun to ever have been had in that conference space :) Hope you had some time for deep dish in the midst of all that tampon talk.
I hope you had a great time Danielle! And I'm with Ali... I don't think I've ever laughed harder than I did when I read that post for the first time.. and hearing you read it aloud, really did make it funnier. :)
This was definitely one of the loftiest, we-need-oxygen, comedic peaks of the night.
I might not have been yelling tampon at you from across the room. But, that's because I was yelling at you for being a great moderator at a session that won't get nearly as much air time as your keynote address. Just wanted to tell you that you were great no matter what was thrown your way and I look forward to reading your blog going forward!
AAAAAND this post has brought you a new reader! LOLOL
You were amazing and it was a pleasure to meet you in Chicago.
Consider me delurked! :)
And I have to also congratulate you on doing a fantastic job of moderating an engaging, thought-provoking, and challenging panel. The level of engagement I felt in that room is what started to make me feel like I'd actually get my money's worth out of the conference. That panel, hearing you read a gut-busting story, and getting to tell you this in person on Saturday night are some of my highlights. Thank you for being gracious and charming and hilarious.
I am so glad I got to tell you about my lost condom/got a baby out of it story at BowlHer....you sparked a whole new breed of vagina monoglogues.
This was such an amazing keynote! It was wonderful to meet you and hear you read this. Seriously, "day one" was the best set up to a humor piece I've heard in a long, long time. I've forwarded it to untold number of people now -- a real gem.
Best,
Mike
I just made my way here from Linda's at sundry, or maybe there was a step in between there where I followed a link of hers to..... anyway I'm rambling. I came to find your tampon post and was pleasantly surprised to see you've posted a video of you reading it - yay! Haven't listened to it yet, as I'm in the office.. but I just read "My Darkest Parts" - haven't laughed that hard in a long long time!!!!!!! hahaha thanks. You're hilarious! Time to listen to you...
Brilliant!
Danielle,
After leaving you on Saturday evening after dancing in a random club in Chicago and having my ass groped by far too many men than I care to remember. I returned to my hotel, drunk from that crazy American stuff that you were making me drink only to welcome my period - one week early.
That is what 1500 women in close proximity does to you.
Ok so that in itself is not so bad - what is utterly disturbing to me is that I cannot use a tampon without thinking of you.
You will remain with me for like 7 days each month. In an ode to you I am no longer going to say i am having a period - from hence forward it shall be called the Knotty Yarn.
Love you.
Awsome.
sian. xx
I'm so glad I found this linked on Twitter because I've been googling "naughty yarn" trying to find your blog since the keynote. :)
This was one of the best performances EVER! I loved it so much, and of course hanging with you!
You were brilliant, and I was one of the people who asked you - the next day - if you were tampon girl.
Hi there. It was nice to be able to say hello to you in person, I was one of—well, EVERY single person there who enjoyed the reading! (I was the woman who informed you exactly what DOES happen when a tampon accidentally gets stuck inside of you).
One thing you reinforced for me (something I already knew) was trying to find the humor in any sort of situation. I'm one of the mommy blogger mafia (or what seems like that, anyway), and I do a blog about my little boy, who had a stroke at birth (loooong story). I've managed to find lots of humor in the everyday. And I think I will need to think of the post you read the next time I can't!!!
Cheers.
You are brave. In college I lost my diaphragm up there and made my boyfriend go in and get it. I mean, he'd spent more time up there than I had. And it was his fault, right? Love the post and the keynote.
Love this! I'm still laughing!!!
Your reading of this post was the highlight of my weekend. Truly. You were gracious and delightful in person as well. Another fan is born.
oh.my.god. you are hysterical!! I heard about this speech at KERF and started reading your blog. I'm soo very glad I got to see this!!!
Thank you, everyone! I know that blanket comments like this are lame, but I'm reading all of these and blushing. Can I say thank you again? Thank you.
Heeeeeeeeero. Need I say it again? HERO! You are my vaginafishing hero.
Now, about BlogHer. I want to know what you think about this.
Can't help it. Too tasty.
YOU were one of the very best things about Bossy's conference experience and you can never get rid of Bossy that fast.
Not only was that the funniest keynote speech EVER- I totally want to be your BFF. You qualify for that position.
Another BlogHer fan here. Loved hearing your keynote reading and have enjoyed catching up on your site.
Thanks for making me laugh my ass off. I always wanted to be ass-less